How to fall in love (for a working class riding a public transportation)

My God, this is longer than sorrow!

I hate reading love stories not so much because they are corny and that they cause my bile to boil and drown me from the inside but so much because they are repetitious and trite. They keep on telling the same rising and falling actions with an air of somebody who thinks as if he has invented the very concept of love.

But alas, none of the great works of literature, not even the lesser ones, are immune from the ravages of a romantic narrative. All of them have their pathetic attempts to tell a story of love, consummated love, unrequited love, star crossed lovers, undying love, happily ever after, till death do us part, and all those b.s. that usually revolve around this recycled theme of love.

But how we enjoy reading them.

How we enjoy deceiving ourselves that they can exist in reality, that they can come as close as lending us their narratives and allowing us to experience the exhilaration of a romantic adventure even for a fleeting moment.

B.s.

I’ve been reading love stories these days not because I’m succumbing to the pitfalls of a romantic liaison or seeking to re-educate myself on the best way to navigate on love’s tumultuous and meandering highways which I haven’t dared to cross for quite a long time. I have been so engrossed with love stories because they give me an idea on the level of madness man can reach if only to experience this emotion that has, not sounding hyperbolic, brought us to where we are now.

You spot somebody from among the crowd, say a creature on his way to work holding his breath while squeezing his/her body inside a jam packed train or bus. Choose somebody whom you think is attractive enough but not too attractive as to pass you as too plain or not so horrible-looking as to cause repulsion in you on your first night. Mark that imaginary “X” on the body of that person whom according to your better judgment is on the same plane of attractiveness as you are.

Coolly approach the direction of that person, and with all the grace and class that you can handle, breathe a warm breathe on his nape, not too much as give the other person thoughts that you are a maniac on a prowl. Just do it as if it was accidental and customary at the same time. Look away and do not betray your motive.

Then start to feign restlessness and agitation because of the supposed tardiness of the train, or any public transportation you are riding in. Look at your wrist watch from time to time, making sure there is a reasonable interval from the last time you viewed the time. According to a study on pendulum oscillation and its relation to the speed of reaching hypnotic climax conducted by a group of scientists from Cambridge, a three- to 4-and-a-half minute interval is desirable. On your fourth attempt, gather enough courage to ask any question. It can be about the weather (Have your read the weather report today, uulan ba?), the train (What’s the next station, first time ko kasing sumakay ng tren?), or the obviously stupid but still worth trying: What time is it? Sira kasi ang writst watch ko? I need to have this fixed.

The question is not important during this stage. Your only objective is to get the attention of the other person as his impressions of you have already been established the moment you coolly approached his direction. At this point, you are already being subject to an intense scrutiny and he has already asked himself whether you are a pathetic loser, an escapee from a mental asylum, a serial killer/rapist, or a person in need of tenderness and love.

You need to create an image of the last in the list above.

Now if the other party perceived you to be any of the first three, or worse, all the three combined, you may begin to distance yourself a bit to avoid any untoward commotion that can further jeopardize your dream of having to experience the splendour (note: it has to have the letter ‘u’ reminiscent of Harlequin Romances) of love.

After successfully establishing an image of a human in desperate need to be loved, you may now proceed to the more challenging aspect of a hurried love maneuvering inside a public transport. This time, Newton’s first law of motion (although this has already been proved false, including the two other that complete his three laws of motion, by Einstein’s theory of Relativity) will come handy. And of course, a little acting on your part won’t hurt. Throw your body to that object of your affection (and affectation) the moment the train comes to a halt or the driver steps on the break as this is just but natural. You are a vulnerable human, who is falling apart because of love and inertia.

Say your apologies. And again, feign indifference after you’ve said your line. But throw your self on him every time the situation allows. But forget about saying you are sorry after the succeeding train halts and bus breaks, instead utter some gibberish that will distract his attention.

Finally, make a loud reproach on the reckless speed of the train or the riotous manner of the driver of the bus loud enough for your object to distinctly hear. And say something to the effect that you are filing your complaints to the management and that you are doing it for the welfare of other passengers and that something should be done to put an end to these profligate and degenerate actions by people who man public transportations whose lives of thousand of commuters depended on everyday.

Then, without any evidence of diffidence and with all seriousness, ask your object to be a witness to your case and get his number for your lawyer to contact him in the event the hearing of the case you will definitely file commences.