My 100th post – some nonsensicals written at the second floor of a fast food restaurant overlooking a crazy traffic jam on a rainy evening

Five months have gone by. If you ask me whether I’ve learned anything related to my purpose of coming here in Vietnam, I’ll unabashedly say not much. If you ask me whether it has done something good for my career, I’m not quite sure, probably it hasn’t. If you ask me what I feel now, it’s fear. Thinking about the things I will confront in the Philippines when I go back home occupies me, and in some days, eats up the entire of me. It’s a similar feeling during the last months of my stay in college. I remember waking up at three in the morning contemplating about the job I would be in after graduation. The feeling is almost the same, but this time the pressure is more daunting because I do not anymore have reasons to fail. I have to build up my career for my family and for myself. Failure is not part of the equation, but failure here is like those mathematical problems I encountered before which I barely understood how my teachers and classmates were able to come up with the answer. It’s like, if A did this and during that time B was sleeping and C was doing something pervert with D; who ate the cake in the cupboard six years ago? And then the teacher will make some assumptions, not part of the equation, which will be an important step in solving the problem. In my case now, failure is somewhat like that. The teacher (and my classmates, except me) knew that X did it, which left me baffled and scratching my nose.

Now, scratching one’s nose is not anymore fashionable for my age.

This blog has been in existence for around five months. Some articles were well-read, some were flops, but all of them are attempts to be truthful. I tried hard to capture with words my exact thoughts and to make them as close to reality as possible. Sometimes, when I reread some of them, I discovered mistakes, grammatical flaws, faulty logic, or I thought of rewriting them in a more fluid manner to make them easier for my readers. I often change them; or like any young people, I just let most of them as they are not because I am a sentimental writer but because I’m just lazy to do it with my staple reason of not having enough time to do it. I’ve made friends because of this blog, some thanked me because of the insights I shared, and few hated me even more than they hated me in real life. And through this blog, I had the closest encounter with a death threat. Somebody threatened me to hurt my family members because of a single article I wrote. That experience made me to reconsider the limit of what I write. But more than anything else, it was plain scary. And although I had to make that post private, I am thinking of having that published someday when I have already established myself as a professional writer. For now, I am shelving that somewhere; I also get scared, I’m only human.

My intention for writing Going Against the Current is for it to be just a plain, personal blog, but this didn’t keep me from writing commentaries on Philippine politics, media, student life, activism, and other social realities in my country and around me. They are purely my opinions based on what I think is rational. In rare occasions, when the knack of being literary bugs me, I’ve also made some shaky attempts to write short stories, but I know they were of inferior value because I simply am not cut to be a literati.

Just now, while looking outside, the world seemed to be too difficult to conquer, impossible is the more suitable world, but I won’t allow this feeling of awe to make me lackadaisical. I’m too young to give up now; too young to say I cannot do it, too young to stop dreaming. You see, I do not advise you to write while it’s raining outside. Rain has the tendency to make your writings overly melodramatic.


7 thoughts on “My 100th post – some nonsensicals written at the second floor of a fast food restaurant overlooking a crazy traffic jam on a rainy evening”

  1. it is alright to feel a bit melodramatic sometimes esp if ur there and ur spirit is away.

    John, you are young and restless. You just have to believe in your self. Be optimistic. Remember good things in life are for free so dont be afraid. Just Work hard, Save hard and Enjoy harder.

    just continue yor passion in writting.

  2. nosebleed!!! hhehe melodramatic while writing a blog when its rainning?eheheh or maybe you are overlooking the window and its rainning outside. hehehe anyway youre very sentimental person. your blog shows it. just continue your passion in writing.

  3. Failiure is like a gun, it is neutral in purpose. A gun could kill a hero or could kill a criminal. Failure assures one to have his feet on the ground and it could result in early realization of what could be an early warning before bigger mstakes could be done. On the other hand, it could awaken fears that were not initially there, it could ruin your self-esteem beyond recovery and sometimes permanently, and it could lead you to a trajectory far from what could be a proper one to take. Having said this, you need a moment with somebody who is intellectual enough, who cares for you and who is open-minded to help you analyze this to your benefit – short of saying a psychologist or psychiatrist.

    I could also see the cockiness of a UP graduate in you. You have the bravado to impress upon others that you know almost anything under the sun. And I assume that, under normal circumstances, you have the feeling that you have conquered the world. But rainy days tell you that this is not so. But this is very natural except that students in UP are educated with a certain kind of attitude. I would venture to say that there is nothing really very special about the intellectual capability of young people studying at UP compared to other topnotch schools in the Philippines. However, once he has been educated for a year or so in UP, he will have been bloated of self assurance, questions every tradition without respect, shocks everybody with high falluting words and ideas, and most of all, he will have had a bloated ego. This ego will be deflated once he enters a world such as the corporate world where a majority of those working there are non UP gratuates. He is lucky if he lands teaching at UP if he is brilliant or in advertising where irreverence is a virtue. But 90 percent of the working world will not be a picnic for him. Such is tha hallmark of a typical UP graduate.

    As for you John, I think that a blog site is not the proper place to show your literary acumen. The time requires to ponder about each word and phrases of what you mean to say is so limited. Creativity is under pressure. Plus the fact that you are writing using a language that is not really your own. This is the reason also that writing for a blog is not an ideal way to be literary, You would notice that when you write political and other controversial issues, there would be more parricipants. But personal issues, which more often are literary in style, are not well responded to. This is because blogs are such that it is more of journalistic in character where people could easily give what they think instantly.

    For me it worked out fine – i.e. UP education. But I have had my contributions of cockiness when I started. I suffered a lot because of this. But in the end, I used failure and humiliation to propel me to what I claim as success iusing my personal yardstick. It is normal to be wary of the future, of your career, but of course you may have already known that it should not be the reason why you should not do what you want to do. This latter statement of ‘doing what you want to do’ has been really vague for me. But just the same we assume that it is self explanatory. But to me, I do not really know what I wanted to do even up to this date. All I know is that the career I have now gives me all the time for myself to be creative, to hone my interest intellectually and to be cocky when i like it. Times of satisfaction and frustration come intermittently. But at least, the feeling opf the former dominates thats why I could call it a satisying and successful career, again, using my own yardstick.

    This brings me to another area, the yardstick. It is the source of all unhappiness in the world. It takes some kind of maturity to really use the proper yardstick for happiness and success. Yardstick of various people confuse you. They offer you theirs – the yardstick of your parents, sisters and brothers, your friends, your enemies, your colleagues, your bosses. and your own yardstick. This is what’s happening to you John. It has become apparent when you said that you are now pressured because of your family or whatever. I am not even trying to say that forget all the rest of the yardsticks and just stick to your own. This is because we are a social being and that the yardstick should be a combination of all yardsticks that we deem important. We naturally do not succumb to the existentialist philosophy since it is the formula for doom. We ought to realize the proper yardstick which would be an adapatation of various yardsticks of sectors important to us.

    And to end this unsolicited advise, patience is a virtue that twenty something do not have. I was very impatient in my younger years. I am not even aware that I already have it now. I think each person has a different baseline for patience but this is a sure virtue. During rainy days looking over a traffic jam, your patience is being tested, by bringing up all the thoughts of what will happen to your future. You impatienly shrink the things to come in an imaginary convenient future timeline in which you could lose the race (you think). But these are moments also good for you. So enjoy the world of uncertainty – which is the real world. Have the patience to realize that we all rise to the occasion and this is the only weapon to combat uncertainty and impatience to get to what we want to be.

    Salute to you John.

    I miss your company.

  4. ugh. pang blog ni inday na naman ang comment ko sa taas. cnxia. hehe.
    may observation din ako sa melodramatic moments na yan kapag nagboblog eh. pag caffeine induced at madaling araw…yan. melodramatic din. 🙂

  5. ugh. pang blog ni inday na naman ang comment ko sa taas. cnxia. hehe.
    may observation din ako sa melodramatic moments na yan kapag nagboblog eh. pag caffeine induced at madaling araw…yan. mellodramatic din. 🙂

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