On not becoming anything

There are a lot of things we hoped and thought we would be but found out in the end that we can never be what we wanted to be.

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I thought I’d be an environmentalist. I never became one.

The first essay I wrote in my grade five writing class was my dream of becoming a doctor. I passed the University of the Philippines INTARMED program but never pursued it because of the expense of the course. I’ll never pin a caduceus on a white coat nor prescribe something on a paper with an Rx in the letterhead.

I want to become a writer, but I think the job will not provide me the financial stability I need. For now I am shelving this one.

Can we be anything we really want, or we want it because we already become one? I envy people who have made clear plans for their lives and gone ahead with a carefully set goals and stratagems to dodge whatever roadblocks that impede them from getting what they want.

For the past years, I felt I’ve been victim of fate or lack of careful planning as to where my life is leading. I’ve been grabbing opportunities left and right without analyzing whether they accrue towards something I want to become. And it dawned on me that I do not really know what I want to become. I can never be anything.

I want something to define me, something to call myself. I am currently on a state of identity flux. And in moments like these do I think of the value of an epithet, a name.

I hope I can be somebody.

17 thoughts on “On not becoming anything”

  1. hahaha, it’s not at all that creepy. if i wouldn’t be able to sleep later, I might go for a walk. yes, it is a very nice campus, one of the best looking universities i’ve been to. i have no idea how it looked during your time here. hehehe.

    i never considered myself a ‘heaven-person’.

  2. fine, thx:). ha ha, isn’t it creepy there at this hour? it’s become a very nice campus hasn’t it? but you’re a city person, i suppose. i bet you wouldn’t like heaven either, he he.

  3. i.b.,

    hahaha, i’m reading jose saramago’s ‘all the names’ pa. and doing some changes in my lecture later. i’ll sleep in 20 minutes. how are you?

    huhuhu.

  4. ibbie,

    thanks a lot for encouraging me and for saying (exaggeratingly) that i write well, they mean a lot to me even though i sometimes sound as if i do not care what my readers say.

    i am not regretting anything i’ve done in my life. and i am willing to risk more just so i can make the most out of this life I am so lucky to have.

  5. i suppose if one lives life to the fullest everyday, one won’t regret anything. after all, they say, life is what happens when you’re busy making plans :). i hope one day you’ll do something or go somewhere that’ll make you say it had been worth the wait.
    you can write, better than dozens who’ve won literary awards and whose writings read like thunder and lightning, sadly signifying nothing, no story, no plot, no sense, just words strung out together in what they want to pass off as style.

  6. john,

    i want to encourage you to pursue what your heart dictates. no matter what the odds. do not reciprocate success to money, fame or something in between. success can be defined by knowing who you really are by defining your purpose why you exist.

    i am one of those who believe in your talent. and i know that in the near future, you will realize your full potential if you do not lose heart. your tenacity and patience will pave a way for you. a much better place that is uniquely yours.

  7. now there’s a typical acquarian!
    getting to know one’s self is the first step of being what you want to be.
    be not afraid john, we acquarians are so multifaceted that we get confused of what we would like to be.
    take time, you’ll come to terms with yourself – soon if not later.

  8. I think that we are all bothered (up to a certain degree… – probably dictated by our desire to achieve/help/succeed) by the thought of not becoming anything. Sometimes, I ask myself, ‘Could it be that I wanted to become ‘many things’ such that I couldn’t focus on becoming anything?’.

    It is when I think of such things that I become ‘sad’. Who would have thought that these things can make one sad?lol.

    And then one realizes that: From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required.

    1. Sir Kongleong, what you said is so profound. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

      Otros Dias Vendran, a lot of things make us sad. Hahaha.

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