For my 201st post, I’ll try to veer away from the usual bitter satire and senseless melodrama. It is almost a year since I started blogging about my life as a student in Hanoi that continues now that I am facing a totally different kind of life. This blog when it started, to be honest, was inspired by boredom more than the desire to put into writing thoughts that I otherwise would not be able to express using the spoken language.
I’ve asked a lot of questions, but I think that the only relevant question to be asked by the author of this blog after 200 posts is, ‘Have I truly gone against the current?’ For indeed when I started this blog, my objective was rather unclear even to myself. Expressing my thoughts, angst, frustrations, debacle, and victory were cloaked as expression of those faceless twenty-something caught in a time when options abound but no one really has that much choice, when anything alternative is blindlessly consumed, i.e., alternative music, alternative lifestyle, alternative philosophy, alternative movie, etc. without asking as to what those alternative are an alternative of.
A week ago, I had dinner with a group of university professors and artists. There was this young filmmaker who caught my attention because he is currently in the final stage of planning for his first indie film. The penultimate objective of his work, according to him, is to weaken and destabilize the Catholic Church in the Philippines. I thought he was joking. He was not.
Will it be possible for an unknown filmmaker to drag the Church from its moral high ground using a film involving a gay priest giving blowjob to an acolyte?
Probably, in my desperate attempt to go against the current I began to forget the importance of knowing what makes me happy. Is going against the current an end in itself? Will I sacrifice my own happiness just so I proved to myself that I’ve gone against the current?
I am at this crucial point in my life where I need to be certain what I really want to do for the rest of my productive years as a young adult. And I am scared that the choice I’ll make will compromise my future. But just like everyone else, I have to make this choice soon. My 201st post in this blog reflects my real thoughts, the same thoughts confounding other twenty-something like me; I am presumptuous of this, though.
Questions outnumber answers as they always do. I’ve never stopped asking questions. My mom once told me that when I was young I barraged her with questions every time she sent me to bed until I got tired and would go to sleep. I haven’t changed a bit. But I’m bothered because these days answers start to elude me. I ask questions whose answers I am certain will never exist, not in this lifetime.