MEMORANDUM No. 465371799199121
SUBJECT: Abolition of Christmas and declaring it a null celebration
ORIGIN: The Holy Office of the Holiest
23rd December 2009
After a thorough discussion with all the concerned departments within the tiers of the Holy Government of Heaven, I hereby formally dissolve Christmas from the list of sanctioned celebration. This goes without saying that everything that has to do with it will also be erased from mankind’s collective memory.
Any complaints or appeals may be forwarded to the College of Saints, but to set everyone’s expectation, the ruling is final and executory. The appeal may be opened for further assessment; however, this universal law has already been set to place and will be effective on the eve of 25th of December of this year. And whatever question it will raise is moot and academic as the college will again convene two centuries from now.
We already anticipated that some sector, the minority I gathered, will ask for an explanation to this hasty pronouncement. Below are justifications:
1. Christmas is outdated, outmoded, a vestige of the past. The Government of Heaven is projecting an image of modernity, or postmodernity if you want to call it this way. Being stuck in this half-pagan exercise is contradictory to the path this Government is heading.
2. It is nothing but sheer garb. And materialism is something this Government frowns upon. Therefore Christmas must go.
3. Although it is not our responsibility to meddle with mankind’s banal concerns, Christmas is disruptive to the normal flow of trade. It is an anomaly that creates artificial needs, supply, and demand. Like materialism, artificiality is also a hated enemy of the Government. Notice the absence of plastic vegetation in the Holy Office of the Holiest. Except for the stuffed rubber elephant in the south section, everything is real.
4. The color motifs of the celebration, red and green, have the worst possible combination in the color wheel that when mixed result to black. Black, as we are all aware, is the color associated to the enemy, the devil, Lucifer.
5. And finally, Christmas is a sham. Therefore, it inevitably makes sham out of the human species. They forgive their enemies, love one another, and maintain a semblance of uneasy peace because it’s Christmas. Come on! You expect my esteemed office to believe this scam?
Effective 24th of December, no Christmas or any of its derivative may be celebrated. So ordered.
College of Saints
American Psycho Association
All mankind concerned