What if I die?

People in their twenties fiddle with the idea of dying because death is too remote from where they stand. Suicide is sexy because it is the ultimate form of freedom. Dying for a cause, an ideology, or an advocacy is the noblest reason to die. Giving up one’s life for love is the most romantic justification to terminate life. I used to think this way.

It was only this morning did it become clear to me that these particularly strong statements regarding death are all in the figurative.

I was not scared of dying because I was made to believe that I had my entire life ahead of me. My youth, vitality, passion, I was offering these all to the world. And death was too removed from my reality. It existed in a separate dimension, and that it would not converge with mine until the next fifty years. But what if I could die tomorrow, wouldn’t I be scared? What if I could possibly die at the age of 23, wouldn’t I be scared?

I received a message last night that somebody I barely knew had died. If he were a close friend, I would know the right way to feel. But other than that chance encounter and some failed plans to meet again, the man was an apparition. The situation is alien to me; I do not know how to appropriately react. His path was one of those that Fate mistakenly allowed to cross with mine. But of the many people I’ve met along, he’s one of those I’ve never forgotten

“Hi, i am d sister of Raffy. He owned dis number. He just passed away at 11:20pm. Pls pray 4 his soul.”

He’s too young, around my age, to die. If he died at the age of 23, then my dying tomorrow, this evening, or later, is closer than I thought.

When one knows he’ll die six months from now, he is awed by death’s power and in turn respects and accepts it. When he is in his seventies and knows death is coming anytime but does not certainly know when, he shudders in fear but makes sure that the people around him do not sense this fear. However when one is in his twenties and learns that death is lurking around capable of cutting short all his dreams, caprice, his bravado, the thought drives him mad.


5 thoughts on “What if I die?”

  1. so you’d play for the ultimate odds with the grim reaper, eh? better polish your game then, young man :-). nice weekend :-).

  2. when i was younger i thought it was a sin not to cry at funerals so i would stare unblinkingly at an electric fan or face the breeze and wait for the tears to make an appearance.

    hmmm. . . why am i making this comment about me?

    anyhooha, death is, um, well. . . mysterious and looming simply because we don’t certainly know when it’s going to happen or what’s going to happen after that is unless you’re one of the deluded faithful and you know you’re going to heaven with Papa God and Bro and Mama Mary and the Howli Ispirit or if you’re masochistic that you’d probably be begging the demons to flay your spiritual ass ’til kingdom come and i am rambling and i need to stop.

    Happy new year, john. death awaits you. death awaits me. but not today.

    Now, if only there are drinks around. . .

  3. When a close friend of mine died early last year, I told myself that it should’ve been me. Not him, because he has a lot of dreams and opportunities. I still believe that he has all the potentials and that his death put everything to an end. He has dreams bigger than mine. But why him?

    I’m glad that after months of his death, I’m still here alive and struggling to live this world. I know that the world is cruel but it was also a fact that the world is kind. Pessimists like me used to think that we’re of no importance to this world. We having nothing to contribute to the humanity. Up to now, I can’t say that I’m completely the other person I used to be. But, I’m trying to live and enjoy this life.

    1. fjordz, it’s interesting how we understate the value of our lives. this is dangerous because eventually, by understating we inadvertently devalue it.

      but i am happy that, still, we constantly remind ourselves that living is still worth the effort. hahaha.

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