Untitled

www.gamasutra.com

I’m right in the middle of filling this blank space up with words, characters some would be quick to correct me. It is early morning of Saturday; I’m in front of  the television that gives off soft glare, hearing Gus Abelgas’s glottal detailed narration of a heinous crime committed by an obese twenty-something. The ambiance of the living room makes me sleepy.

If not for the unforgiving fluorescent, I would have already stopped writing, climbed up the staircase and should’ve already been sleeping now. Thanks to the 40-watt bulb, I am still up until this time to continue writing. I thought of using this free time, the only one I have this week, to distill my rambling thoughts.

A friend told me that I wallow in the banalities of my writings. Although this isn’t the exact words he used, but the manner he said it sounded as strongly as ‘wallowing in the banalities’, that while I constantly remind my students that their writings should have a purpose, that it should comment, albeit subtly, on their social reality, complete with the trappings of an elegant utilization of the English language, my own writings have barely escaped the personal and the mundane.

I hate it when I do not write for several days; losing this very precious momentum I’ve painstakingly built, because of a long break, makes it even more difficult for me to gather enough propulsion to hurl myself back in front of Microsoft office and commence writing. I’m like a weightlifter suffering from massive muscular atrophy after a long respite. Or a soprano unable to sing an aria after a tonsillectomy. Or somebody whose former memory could be described as eidetic but stopped being so after undergoing three frontal lobotomies. On a second thought, one cannot hoard momentum, just like one cannot hoard sleep, time, or courage, when it comes to writing. Every day is a different day; a better metaphor would be somebody being on a labor bed giving birth every time he decides to put his thoughts into writing.

I just ran through posts I wrote years ago. At the very core of it, the entire act or reviewing posts of past years was nothing short of narcissism, and a blatant one to boot.

www.organiclifestylemagazine.com

I find it remorseful reading old posts. They remind me of my latent naivete, still obviously present in my newer posts, but hopefully more subdued this time. I quietly enjoy mocking my former youthful decadence. But while I take pride in how I unreluctantly debase and berate my old self, no holds barred, like all narcissists, I derive an inexpressible pleasure from the act of reading my old thoughts, more like Narcissus staring down at his own reflection in the pool. The images I see may not be beautiful, but how the image appears is immaterial, the fact that they’re mine and that I come close to enjoying the covert exercise, are enough to classify this as self-worship in nature. One philosopher, his name escaped me, said that self-love is insidious.

So right in the middle of filling this space up with characters, these things occur in my thoughts. I cannot help from writing them down, for future’s sake.  I find being afflicted with Alzheimer’s romantic. Though the idea scares me, reading these from the perspective of my Alzheimer’s-ed self is  rather intriguing.

Now, I certainly need start to writing.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Untitled”

  1. i already received your email reply. i was serious about it. now, you believed i wasn’t kidding then. hehe.

    ah, i know him, but he doesn’t know me. Titus is now a senior at UP College of Law. He’s very popular in UP Tac., a champion debater. My friend Sayong or Rosario Delis, was his closest competitor in DebSoc.They won a lot of awards in various competitions in the country.

    I agree with your opinion.. hehe..thanks for the compliment.

    yes, your posts are very truthful.. you write what i can only think about. some ideas are just sitting at the back of my mind, i can’t put them into writing.. hehe. that’s why i enjoy reading every article you write. i will surely visit your blog always.

    looking forward to your next posts john. all the best 🙂

  2. hi john,

    i sent you the scanned copy i promised u yesterday, if i got ur eadd right. kindly check it.

    can you recall his name? were u a member of UPV Debate Society before? the friend i’m referring to was also a member of this organization. he also became the editor in chief of Vista, the UP Tacloban school paper and the chairman of the UP Tac Student Council.He’s a year ahead of you.

    i enjoy reading your posts,reminds me of his writing way back in college.

    btw, i stumbled upon your article in Youngblood. i used to read this column of the PDI before. You’re indeed a great writer.

    sorry for showering you with a lot of praises… u might think im exaggerating now. but this is written with utmost sincerity. im just amazed to find this blog of yours, very different from the rest.

    Your blog speaks of the truth, no matter how painful it is. You’re a courageous writer John. Two thumbs-up!!

    1. cacai, i already received them. hahaha. i thought you were kidding. i didn’t know those copies ever existed.

      the guy’s name, if i remember it correctly, is titus. i was a part of binaisay, but that was replaced by debate society. after that i stopped joining debate competitions. upv tac’s debating team is the best in the visayas, in my opinion.

      hahaha. i am not comfortable hearing good things from readers of my blog. in fact, i wanted them to know nothing about me but my thoughts.

      i am very thankful that you consider the things written here as truths.

      i’ll try to write more.

  3. based on ur writings, i thought ur already in ur late twenties. you seem to know a lot of things.. makes me realize i’m indeed old.. my student no. is 01-xxxxx.. hehe.

    reading old newspapers, publications and other old stuffs really amazes me. when i read the same publication, published in april ’06, i also saw familiar names nowadays that i didn’t bother reading before.. they happen to be my officemates now..small world.. 🙂

    your posts remind me of my friend in college who also used to write as passionately as you.. maybe you bumped into each other before back in college. he doesn’t write now, too absorbed in his career in the corporate world. good thing you were able to pursue this passion.

    i hope you never stop writing john. you are a great example to the Filipino youth.

    Great, great job… 🙂

    1. cacai,

      yes, this is a small world after all.

      hahaha. that’s not too old then. in fact, we just started. i know somebody from upv tacloban campus before when i was in my first year, a very smart guy i must say, but i have not heard about him since then.

      i will not stop writing. i’ll go nuts if i do.

      thanks for reading.

  4. I totally agree with your ideas here…maybe because we came from the same University.. We were from Tacloban College. But I’ve been to your place. It’s very beautiful plus the food was great…

    Oh, you weren’t given a copy of that? I saw ur pic in the front page with all your achievements listed there. The Ayala Young Leaders, scholarship in Germany, the school paper etc… Maybe I’ll just scan it and email to you. that was given days before your graduation i guess.. is your student number 03-XXXXX?hehe, sorry for being makulit.

    1. hahaha. you seem to know a lot. indeed, miagao is a great place. beautiful.

      that’s be great. i’d appreciate your effort and thoughtfulness. my god, those were the days. i’ve already forgotten about those things. when you grow older, you’ll realize that many more things matter than one’s achievements. hahaha.

      yes, my student number begins with an 03-

  5. hi john… i’ve been following your posts lately… you’re a really great writer.. Superb talent.. i’m a fan now. 🙂

    i browsed through the files of my bf this afternoon and i saw the UPV publication back in April 2007. you happen to be his batchmate. I saw an article about you in the front page..again, im awed by your accomplishments. i also saw your name in the honor roll.

    keep up the good work… oh by the way, how r u related to sharoze recabar? she’s my officemate before.. thanks a lot and sorry for being nosy.. hehe

    1. cacai,

      thanks a lot. this came an unexpected. people seldom come here and tell me that they read my posts and that they like them. i must have been one of those with a sorry lot. but thank you, this made me feel better this Monday morning.

      hahaha, i never got a copy of that publication.

      i heard that name, she’s also from janiuay, iloilo where my father’s family is also from, so there is a high probability that we’re relatives.

      when people use the internet, they have to give out themselves if they want to truly enjoy its benefits. i cannot profess honesty if i hide my identity behind a funny-sounding profile name.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s