Sunday night self-destructive thoughts

It’s probably because moments ago it was Sunday. It must have been the fear I have of Monday. Or the report I have not even started because I love screwing myself by procrastination, which, feels so good all the time, only for these undone work to haunt me in the middle of the week. But the reason isn’t in any of those I mentioned.

I’ve been unfamiliar with this emotion that I thought I had ceased feeling sadness. But I hadn’t. It took a hiatus only to surprise me tonight. And I saw myself laid bare, unable to protect myself from it. I slept, for two hours, only to wake up still with a lingering feeling of that utter, unexplainable bleeding inside. I attempted in vain to comprehend where it’s coming from. Is it solitude? Idleness? Or an emptiness that sprung from a void I’ve never bothered filling in.

I texted my mother several times, but she seemed to be preoccupied with her own concerns. I didn’t want to bother my brother. And my sister was dating a high school fling. I tried looking outside my small window, trying to find the reason for what I felt from the unflickering lights of the huge metropolis, but I felt emptier all the more. I leafed some pages of a borrowed book but I gave up as soon as the words started dancing erratically before me.

I am indulging far too much. And it is easy to do a free fall in this infinite pit of self-destructive sadness.

I will never be able to resolve this article just like the rest, those that were recently written. Because even if I try to convince myself that I left scot-free that, that I moved on after that break up, I am as bruised, as hurt. I guess one can never say ‘I was hurt more’ because in the end, getting hurt is a shared experience, but unlike love, it is selfishly kept. Pain, sadness, they are far more complex than any emotions there is.

But while they hurt us like hell, we can’t deny that inside, we somehow enjoy them. We love being miserable.

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18 thoughts on “Sunday night self-destructive thoughts”

  1. that’s right , there’s always something about misery that at times, is as comfortable and fulfilling as happiness, tat may not be obvious but is understandable. nakanang hehe very good writer sir

    1. haha. at minura mo pa ako!

      thanks. life got so many paradoxes. in fact, it is a paradox itself. the idea is to get hold of that paradox by the neck and start living it like a true-blue child of bacchus.

  2. i’ve just let the snow cover all my “self-distructive thoughts”. 🙂 turned out good. it actually worked. I am calm now. Maybe you should try this. :))

    1. we don’t have snow here in the philippines, but i can probably try doing what you suggested on a rainy day.

      thanks, maria.

    1. i also don’t understand why people won’t enjoy the miseries of life. give me time to imagine myself to be in your position and understand why happiness is all about evading pain.

  3. Going through something similar at this same moment, and all I can think to do is make a strong drink and watch some effed up show about someone’s horrible experience with________ (anything worse than what I’m feeling). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Your post about your own pain strangely made me feel just a little bit better. You’re not alone.

    1. allizard, we’re interesting creatures — the idea that we feel good after hearing or reading about other people’s miseries is difficult to comprehend, but yes we feel exactly like that. and i am happy knowing that this post made you feel a little better, somehow.

    1. i know i need a lot of cheering up. hahaha. might as well do it by myself.

      i change theme whenever i am confused, down, depressed, excoriated, punched in the face, and all those negative participle (including fucked up [excuse my language]).

  4. I know, these things tend to go and then sneak back up on one when one isn’t expecting it. Just keep going, do that report, you will feel better, and it will pass.

    1. i will be writing it tonight. thanks, sdaedalus. it’s been a looong time since you visited. i’ll be okay in a bit.

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