I think that in order for me to begin writing again it is important that I close this blog and to write only for myself. I am freer this way, freer to write about whatever topic I feel like writing and in however way I want it written, and this can only become possible after having shielded myself from the gaze of that ideal reader whose standards for what he reads are too difficult to meet. I will be hypocritical if I say that I write for my own pleasure. I do not. In fact I write with a specific purpose and a specific reader.
I keep this blog, to be very blunt about it, because of my ‘imagined public’ (I hope I have quoted Kundera accurately). However, recently, my fear of displeasing this reader has stripped me of the temerity I used to have when I began this blog. Consequently, I have arrived at a difficult decision of making my blog private for the time being until I regain my confidence in my skill as a writer, albeit in a form most traditionalists view as pandering too much to the popular taste.
I suspect that my online presence is becoming more of a liability. It’s difficult to be who you want to be in reality if your virtual presence impinges itself into what is supposedly real. The dissonance created by this contradiction between the image reflected and the actual image is just too heavy to carry for me.
As a writer, I think I need to rediscover the bliss of masturbatory writing, obviously in the privacy of my own mind.
This blog shall go private two and a half hours from now.