I left UP in the afternoon after a grueling four-hour comprehensive exam. I was tired, drained, exhausted. This, together with all other life exercises, is deemed necessary in the life of a well functioning, sane individual in a sane society. Deemed necessary by whom? I cannot avoid the passive because I have no idea who deems it necessary.
At a certain point, when I was travelling home, I thought of escaping to the beach and watch the setting sun in the horizon turning yellow then orange to fiery red until nothing is left but a sad indigo hue.
I gulp another mugful of dark coffee.
Suddenly I feel that unmistakable feeling of sadness. For a long time, I almost thought I’d never feel this again. But I do, right now. And the even sadder thing is that I have no one to share this with.
It’s a bummer to be alone.
How I hate it whenever I begin to sound like a whining college student.
Amid frenzied reviewing for the comprehensive exams in grad school on Monday, I’m reading this. And the book makes the concepts and theories even more incomprehensible – and looking more closely, the question ‘what are all of these for?’ is too distracting to set aside.
“What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – it’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”
On the Road, 1957
(from the writer who will endlessly remind me of a friend I lost.)
I had to get going because it got tiring asking questions I could not verbalize, that eluded answers. I only wanted a beautiful Saturday morning. I woke up at the middle of a black and white dream worrying about adult stuff I promised myself many years ago I would not give in to and ask. But just like any young adults, I guess I needed to face them sooner, and in my case, it’s now.
And please, excuse me.
I was tired.