It was, I don’t know how to describe it, wonderful seeing you again after almost four years since we have parted ways. You have been the inspiration of many a post on this blog, and I do not know if there will be anyone in this lifetime who can prod me to go back to writing stronger than an experience of being with you can.
I could not help myself from smiling seeing you from afar wearing that awkward smile of seeing someone who’s hurt you so badly but whom you’ve loved twice as badly in the past. My smile at you barely betrayed how I still felt giddy inside. I was happy seeing you after those years. I tried my best to recall my reason for ending it but I could not figure out why. There was no regret though, only an understanding that a decision has been made because it had to be.
I saw you’ve aged a little. So have I. I bet you noticed lines forming on the side of my eyes, too. My eyes feeling a little foggy. We looked both wiser, though, more self-assured, less worried about what the other thought of the other; we both sounded less hesitant, veterans of many failures and attempts at salvaging what can be saved from our selves rendered vulnerable by the quiet and unexpressed rage when we were younger. I laughed when you said I’ve become bigger, bigger than I’ve ever gotten during the many years we were together. You looked very good, I’m brought back to that night in Ortigas when I first met you.
I apologized to you for the terrible gift I got you. I recalled how you always told me before that I needed to work on being thoughtful and creative in giving gifts. I have not learned anything about gift-giving.
I could not be with you on your birthday, so I made the most of being with you on its eve. I wanted to sit closer to you, to hear you whisper because your voice sounded different when it’s said much closer to my ears.
I wanted to cook for you again, take care of you, make you feel happy, watch movies again, argue with you, laugh, just be blithe about life–these are things I cannot forget about you.
The present is a little twisted, at times too complicated. Inhabiting the past gives us solace because only the beautiful stays. There’s joy in my heart knowing that whenever I think of you in relation to the past, I think of nothing but how beautifully you smiled and that love we shared.
I will not forget how good it was to love you and be loved in return by you.
Happy birthday, B.