“ABANDONO” (By Gabriel Rolón)
They all left us one day. And when I say abandon, I don’t mean just an extraordinary act. Traumatic. No. It is simpler. But it hurts the same.
They all left us in the middle of a mess. At the beginning of a project. In the pleasure of achievement accomplished. In the least thoughtful moment. In the most anticipated moment.
Sometimes it happens, that you turn around and you have no one who joins your boogers, who taps you on the back, who winks at you when something went well and who cleans your knees when you went to the grass by mistake.
We all know the loneliness it feels when we feel alone. Because we were all abandoned one day.
And then, we found a very sad secret, a palliative act, to cover that well.
We see people who eat the anguish by swallowing a pack of cigarettes, the other who runs and runs like crazy to see if the wind in his face fills that hole in his chest.
People who eat their nails along with nerves and paralyzing anxiety.
Packets of cookies that are going to stop in the mouth without a notion that what they are trying to kill is not hunger.
Or at least, not that.
Guys that pierce the nose and veins, with the odd thing that happens to another reality for a couple of hours.
Other starts playing what he doesn’t have.
You will compulsively buy things you don’t need, to feel a little alive for a moment.
And I will watch a movie, which secretly enables me to cry looking outside, which I don’t feel I would like looking inside.
We screw ourselves that when we are worse, it is when we punish ourselves the most.
Because all that you eat, eats you.
It makes you worse.
It adds to the abandonment, the guilt of doing something that you know is not genuine.
That is not what you want.
You Don’t eat like this because of hunger.
You Do not run for sport, when you are cracking yourself.
You do not get intoxicated for pleasure.
You do not have sex with that person for love.
Hide and seek.
You pull down the carpet.
You close your eyes.
You put on a muzzle and a pair of headphones to not hear your heart.
You are eating yourself.
And maybe, the secret is to stop.
About feeling, remembering, in that abandonment what you lack, is what you have to look for.
Maybe it’s time to ask for that hug.
To lie on your mom’s knees.
Call saying, yes, I swear I need you.
Is now. Not after. Now.
Go to that house. Talk to the person who listens to you. Cries. Shouts. Vomits.
Juggling, in the middle of the beating, has only one result. Result that will not heal the wound that bleeds you, because you are putting a band-aid.
And the band-aids do not heal.
The band-aids cover.
And you know very well that covered pain is not healed pain.
Stop a little. Look in the mirror of your soul.
Look at what you need and go out to find it where you think you can find it. But find it in Reality.
Don’t flutter like a fly on empty plates.
Ask for what you need if you see that you just can’t.
Because there is no worse abandonment than one that you are doing with yourself. Do not play with that. You have no right to abandon yourself.
(Thank you for this poem.)