I was there sitting on a chair in the corner of your room waiting for you to finish sending emails and making calls. I tried not to appear fidgety and kept myself from making impatient sounds so as not to distract you from what you were doing that night. You looked to my direction every once in a while checking if I was still there. I had a hard time precluding thoughts of walking out on you. I assured you that I was ‘okay’ in as many times as you asked if I was okay.
I wasn’t very comfortable with waiting, still I stayed. Looking back, I never regretted I stayed.
There are more things I could remember (and write) about you than this page can contain. But I do not want to reduce you to something language can contain because you are more than that; however, let me. May the limits of my vocabulary grasp your complexities (and your countless idiosyncrasy).
You came to my life while I was in the middle of those insufferable ‘unbearable lightness of being’. And thank you for pulling me back, because had you not come, I would’ve gone past the clouds, the stratosphere, the Van Halen belt, until I would never be seen again. Just in time, as timely as you came, you held my hands and let me hug you while we sleep, these meant a lot to me.
If I did not sing karaoke with you, did not bring you to Miagao, did not hold your hand while we’re walking, if I reacted violently whenever you call me J.R., I’m sorry and I promise to make it up the next time. I’ll only do things that will make you happy.
I’ve never been used to expressing feelings for any particular human because I was more attuned to the generalities of the universe. When you came, unconsciously I, little by little, began to experience that ‘shift of paradigm’, that it is possible for all the love I feel inside to converge in a singularity I call you.
Ours is something most would refer to as ephemeral, but despite this, I intend to keep whatever we have now and to hold on to it as strongly and as tenaciously as I can so long as we are each other’s.
I still daydream about the conversations we had before we went to sleep, the unending teasing, the serious discussions that told me a lot of things about you and made me appreciate our differences. In the middle of the everyday, mundane things I do, I get caught in the memories of the things we did together – riding a bangka to Guimaras and looking to the vast sea before us while sitting on a bamboo bench, you singing my ‘baduy’ favorite song and me singing for you a song that would otherwise make me blush to death, carrying you on my back, the questions on what’s the right tee to wear, and the silence that never failed to give me peace knowing that you’re right beside me.
In the end, it is comforting to know that despite the distance, we remain each other’s.
To you who attempted to knot that cherry stem using your tongue, but failed: I couldn’t ask for more.