It takes courage to admit to oneself that everyone has left and that the only thing to do right now is to go back to the drawing board, find out what has gone wrong, assess the damage, and see what can be salvaged and be included in the next venture. And perhaps attempt to live the remaining years of my 30s more meaningfully and productively.
I simply cannot fix a broken system, and that’s myself. I cannot go on doing what I have been doing these past ten years as all I see were casualties and hurt in the aftermath.
I dread graduating from this period of my life full of regrets and bitterness and causing the same ill-feelings in other people.
I’ll workout more often (and add more days I spend on cardio) and not to think of using my gains in the gym to bang the next guy.
I’ll be with my cat and play with him because I know he needs me.
I’ll value all my relationships–family, friends, and the next person I shall decide to love–because they are all I have in this life that’s bound to be catastrophic in the end. I will be spending the quiet days with them, without thinking that these days could be better.
I’ll take care of my health because no amount of insurance will give me a feeling of security that tomorrow I’ll feel good as I feel today.
I’ll make more friends not because I plan to go to bed with them but because no amount of books read will come close to actually being with a real, breathing person and the depth of character he will provide me. Because I need a community of brothers and sisters whose only bond that unites us is our desire to be in the company of each other.
I’ll think less of what I think and think more of how to be in the moment and enjoy the minutes that I will have no way of getting back.
I’ll try to see love less as a romantic. This time I’ll view it as a realist, that there is no one perfect partner. That as a couple we are both going to know things about each other that will shock, gross out, even hate each other, but that we/I shall be forgiving and accepting of each other’s broken-ness. I’ll love better this time, not to be afraid to communicate my thoughts and feelings, and spend 2/3 of my time listening.
I shall get more sleep, not to be afraid to be left alone with my thoughts, and trust that things can get worse. To be thankful that I enjoy the simple joys of life because anytime fortune can change.
And maybe, I’ll write more this time.