January 9, 2012

I have not seen you only for a week now, but it felt like a lifetime has already passed. It was as if I was back to where I was before I met you. No, even worse. Multiply that misery and loneliness by a hundred and have it squared, no, cubed, no, multiply it by infinity. And it would still feel a lot worse. Nobody told me it would be this hard. I thought I would survive it unscathed, but I was proved wrong. I thought I would move on quickly, but it was something I was not prepared and will never be prepared. I have finally arrived at this point in my life where I have fallen so deeply, escaping from it is unthinkable. For the first time in my life I have been crazy in love. I’d go mad thinking about a future spent alone or with somebody else and not you.

You gave me so many reasons to be happy. In a year of us together, I knew I was the happiest man in the world. There was no day that passed without me being thankful to God that He has given me somebody so beautiful I’d find myself at awe looking at you and your gentle face, breathing lightly while you sleep in my arm every night. You have made me a man so complete I dared not ask for more lest God takes you away from me.

Ours was so beautiful. So beautiful I thought something like ours could exist only in fiction. But exist it did. I dared sneak more and He unabashedly took you away. Your absence and silence jolted me. They killed me. Seeing you drift so quickly was too painful to bear. All my intellectualizing and liberal shit meant nothing when you went away. They are mere abstractions. Your absence is concrete, experiential; the pain I felt when you left me was not surreal. It was so real.

All of a sudden tomorrow did not look as inviting; the future did not anymore hold its promises; life became a bore. These past days, I’d drag myself to work, not finish my meal, and the city looked all the grayer and sadder. It was like running toward nowhere. I lost all the desire to run or walk. Because where I am now is nowhere.

And this paradox brought by love, hadn’t I reminded myself not to be smitten, is consuming me.

Rational thinking has deserted me completely. I cannot give you a logical reason why you should consider coming back to me and give me a chance. The memories we made being together for a year, pity for a wretched man; I cannot think of any decent reason, Babe. But I remain hopeful.  You may have lost your faith in me, lost hope that what we had could still be brought back, but I know that love’s still there. It’s the only thing my dear life holds on to now.